~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

http://www.dailyprobe.com/

best headline ever: Bill Bennett Puts Odds of Limbaugh Relapse at 6-1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.confusionroad.com/article.php?page_function=display_article&article_id=181

Furious over leaks originating from unnamed administration officials, President Bush today ordered all such officials to be fired immediately, an inside source says...An initial search of personnel files throughout the executive branch failed to yield any nameless employees.

...In an effort to ferret out the guilty parties, Chief of Staff Card is now insisting that all White House staff members wear "Hello, My Name Is___" stickers at all times. Anyone spotted with a blank sticker is to be reported to Card or his staff immediately.

Some experts think that the President is making a mistake. "It's true that anonymous officials are often the source of damaging leaks," says an unidentified Congressional aide. "However, they also excel at producing intentional leaks, floating trial balloons, spreading nasty rumors about your enemies, hurling insults, and deceiving the press with flat-out misinformation. And best of all, for some reason, the press unfailingly prints every word they say. If Bush is desperate enough to actually fire these people, he must have really lost control of his own staff."

Bush, however, is pressing on with the crackdown. "We have reason to believe that these leaks are not accidental," says a Presidential advisor. "We believe that these nameless staff members are actually taking bribes from the Democratic Party to divulge secret information in order to do deliberate damage to the President. And we cannot allow these political dirty tricks to continue. The President is doing this for the good of the American people." The unnamed officials could not be reached for comment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i1007

To relieve the frustration of being the laughing stock of the entire world, George W. Bush and his aides have taken to picking off passing motorists using their telescopic sighted rifles. So far, 120 drivers whose cars had diplomatic plates have been found dead at the wheel and the local police, having no jurisdiction over the Whitehouse and its staff, are powerless to intervene.

...Accusations of irresponsibility have been met with strong denials from the Whitehouse which claim they are just practising in case of an attack by terrorists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.newshax.com/modules/news/

Herr Governator, Der Führer Ahnuld Schwarzenneger, held a press conference today where he unveiled his new "Final Solution" for ridding California of overweight youths. [tasteless and badly-spelled dialect humor deleted]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.liftingthefog.com/outsourced.htm

The Bush administration says it will save much of the cost of rebuilding Iraq by outsourcing Congress to a Microsoft computer facility in India. "It's time that Congress looks more like America, "Bush said. "Much of America fears its jobs will be outsourced."

The 537 members of the US House of Representatives and the US Senate were chagrined to learn that they had obsoleted themselves in legislation authorizing $87 billion for the reconstruction of Iraq and Afghanistan. A minute detail in the fine print authorized the reduction of $85 million in federal government expenses. Few members read far enough into the details to realize that the authorization includes the disbanding of Congress. “The devil is always in the details,” said former House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt from the presidential campaign trail.

...Although some angry members of Congress threatened to take up the vote for the Iraq money a second time, members of the Bush administration wasted no time in moving the Congressional offices out of the Capitol building. US General Services Administrator Stephen A. Perry says the building has already been sold to Wal-Mart Inc. and will operate as Wal-Mart Super Center beginning this weekend.

...With Congressional elections removed from the 2004 agenda, the Bush administration says it may decide to save even more money by eliminating the need for next year’s presidential election.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.anastrophe.co.za/very_local_news/baby_scared_of_us.html

Six month old baby perceives White House as threat

While lying on his mother's lap on Wednesday, little Jacob happened to glance over at a CNN report showing images of George Bush and Colin Powell. The poor child immediately began to scream as if his very life were under threat. First time mother Tammy Scott did not know what to do.

"It was uncanny, completely uncanny," said Tammy. "He just sort of wrinkled up and began screaming. The moment I switched the television off, he began to calm down and within minutes returned to normal."

After a moment's thought, she added, "Can he even focus on the screen at this age?"

...Psychologist Irit Schaker, who has signing power on an account held by Columbian drug-lord Pablo Escobar, said that often children pick up on fear and apprehension expressed unconsciously by their parents or others around them. "Either that or the child just realises that the unfortunate planet its landed on is at the mercy of that lying moron and his thieving cronies."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://thespoof.com/

The American mafia is in turmoil following the recent announcement that Jimmy ‘The Salami’ de Marco is to replace Frankie ‘Four Fingers’ Spaghetti as Don of San Francisco. The first Mafiosi to ‘come out’, de Marco, nicknamed ‘The Dodgy Don’, has been a thorn in the side of the American Mafia in recent years. Eschewing the traditional suit and trench coat for more flamboyant attire, he drew additional unwanted attention from the media recently when he was voted best dressed gay male in a Vanity Fair poll.

...Although none too popular with right wing Mafiosi... the Dodgy Don has been a godsend in PR terms. His championing of a more inclusive mafia has won him many supporters in the confused politically correct melting pot of modern American life; although still a member of an illegal organisation responsible for hundreds of deaths a year, he is already being mooted as a possible successor to the Mayor of San Francisco.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.theonion.com/3942/news1.html

Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they're obviously so smart.

"Well, it looks like you American people have figured it all out, then," the statement read in part. "There's no need for the old government to do anything, because the citizens know just how to handle this whole reconstruction-of-Iraq thing. Well, go ahead! If it's so simple, and if you're so smart, then what's stopping you? Come on."

"Oh, gosh!" the statement continued. "Wait! It looks like Iraq is a whole big country! And it seems that someone just fought a war there, to oust a despotic regime! So, gee, this might take a while, huh?"

[Photo: A neighborhood in Baghdad, which is not as easy to reconstruct as some people seem to think.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.newshax.com/modules/news/article.php?storyid=533

NewsHax wire -- In a press conference today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the near-capture of terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden in Northwest Pakistan.

"We had him dead-to-rights, completely surrounded," said Rumsfeld. "Then this knucklehead Cubs Fan, who apparently did not see our troops, decides he's going to try to effect Mr. Bin Laden's arrest by himself." The unnamed Cubs fan was later identified as Steve Bartman.

"Naturally, he booted the capture, and got in the way of our men. Otherwise we would have finally caught him. After Mr. Bartman's tragic interference, it seems likely that we may never be able to capture Bin Laden. Of course thanks to Bartman, the loss of Bin Ladin is at least no longer our fault. I mean, we had him."

Asked what he was doing in Pakistan, Bartman said only, "Pakistan? I don't know what you're talking about. Please get me out of here. They won't let me talk to a lawyer or anything!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.confusionroad.com/article.php?page_function=display_article&article_id=186

The new $20 bill, redesigned by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to thwart counterfeiters and put into circulation earlier this month, contains secret messages praising Satan and his followers, sharp-eyed observers have found.

At the top-right corner of the bill are what appear at first glance to be a series of small vertical bars. Under magnification, however, the markings clearly form the words "Satan is your master," printed backward.

On close inspection, numerous other sinister messages and occult icons can be found. When the front of the bill is viewed under a microscope, a horned, pitchfork-wielding devil can be seen peeking out from behind Andrew Jackson's bushy left eyebrow. When exposed to ultraviolet light, the bill displays a faint watermark image of George Washington, Jesus and Martin Luther King being tortured in the fires of hell. And when rubbed rapidly with a moist pencil eraser - a counterfeit detection technique known as the "litmus configuration" - the bill will play the opening bars of Hotel California.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.borowitzreport.com

A gigantic solar flare slammed into the Earth's magnetic field on Wednesday morning, briefly knocking out the ego of singer/actor Sting, scientists said.

The performer was promoting his new book, a memoir entitled “Broken Music,” on the television program “Live With Regis and Kelly,” when the solar flare slammed into the Earth’s magnetic field. Sting had begun telling the program’s co-hosts about how his life-long love affair with music began when he suddenly stopped, mid-sentence. “Oh, who the bloody hell cares?” Sting said, the audience gasping as he tossed his book aside in apparent disgust.

It was only hours later that scientists determined that the former Police front-man’s loss of ego, believed to be temporary in nature, had been caused by the solar flare, surprising many experts. “We had thought that the solar flare would have an effect on satellite and cellular phone transmissions,” said Dr. Kenneth Reid, a solar flare expert at the University of Minnesota’s Clausen Observatory. “We had no idea that it was powerful enough to knock out Sting’s ego.”

Elsewhere, associates of the pop singer and MTV star Jessica Simpson said that the solar flare might have caused Ms. Simpson’s brain to function temporarily. Moments after the flare hit the Earth’s magnetic field, Ms. Simpson was observed correctly identifying canned tuna and brushing her teeth without assistance. Ms. Simpson’s behavior was an “aberration,” Dr. Reid said, and she was expected to be back to bumping into doors and walls within hours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://campaigntreehouse.blogspot.com/

BOSTON (CT) – Senator John Kerry abruptly resigned from his own presidential campaign, taking a position offered to him within General Wesley Clark’s campaign. “This is an exciting move for me,” Kerry told reporters at a press conference outside his Boston home. “The Kerry campaign is old news. I’m very excited about the chance to support a man who I think can lead our party to victory in 2004.”

Kerry cited sagging poll numbers and a lack of a clear, coherent message as factors in leaving his own campaign. “The campaign was getting pretty lame, honestly,” Kerry said. “I felt weird standing up there, giving speech after speech saying how great I was, when in my heart I just knew that Wesley would make a better President. This’ll be a lot more fun.” Kerry had been approached by Clark advisors in recent weeks and quickly accepted a senior advisory role with their staff.

...Kerry-for-President manager Jeanne Shaheen assured reporters that the Kerry campaign was “disappointed but doing just fine” despite losing Kerry. “It doesn’t matter that our candidate is working for another candidate. John Kerry has lots of endorsements, so losing his own endorsement isn’t going to slow us down. It’s full speed ahead for us.” She then held up the campaign’s new t-shirt, which featured the slogan, “Don’t listen to John Kerry! Vote Kerry!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.ridiculopathy.com

WASHINGTON (CT) – Thousands of children not yet born are planning a “Million Zygote March” on Washington to protest President Bush’s massive budget deficit and request for $87 billion to continue the Iraq occupation, pregnant women told reporters today. “I was watching the president’s address to the nation last night, and all of a sudden my baby started kicking,” Pamela Marquez of Reno, Nevada, explained. “Kicking every time the president talked about money. We were promised this wouldn’t be a long, expensive occupation. My little boy’s had it, he’s joining with other future children to stop this madness.”

...The Congressional Budget Office forecast a one-year budget deficit of over $450 billion, with higher deficits expected in future years. Democrats have held Bush’s policies responsible for returning to deficit spending after several years of surpluses under the Clinton Administration.

Bush spokesman Scott McClellan responded to the charges by repeating “Terrorism,” “Baghdad” and “Tax cut” several hundred times while spinning around the White House press room.

Yet pundits are warning the Bush administration to take the march seriously. “Republicans take pre-born support for granted, because of pro-life issues,” said Wink Mitchell of the Wink Group, a conservative think tank. “But fetuses care about fiscal matters, too… if Bush can’t get the economy moving and get spending under control, their generation won’t be solidly GOP for long.” National Park Service officials are currently leaning toward a set of Petri dishes under the Lincoln Memorial as the best location for the march.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.slashnot.com/

In an effort to simplify patch management and reduce the number of security hotfixes to just one per day, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer has announced a new and simplified security updates mechanism for computers running Windows and office call the “Patch-A-Day” program.

...“Imagine waking up to a newly secured computer every morning, where the previous night’s vulnerabilities have been patched so that you don’t have to think about the process. During the night we will also scan and remove viruses, Trojans, and other malicious software such as unlicensed copies of Office and any open source software that might have found its way onto your computer. Windows users who elect not to participate in the program will not be able to connect to the Internet after December 31st of this year.”

Microsoft has announced that it is acquiring bankruptcy and scandal-plagued communications carrier MCI in an attempt to handle the extra bandwidth that the program will require.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.slashnot.com/

Scientists have just announced that the Universe is probably not infinite, and that they’ve determined its shape. For a long time, Theorists considered that the Universe might be shaped like a Bagel, but they’ve now determined that the Universe is shaped like a Soccer Ball. “It came to me while I was watching my daughter’s soccer game last week. So I ran back to the lab, ran the numbers, and viola! I was right.” Says Dr. Jeffrey Weeks.

“This caps of years of theoretical research. I thought we really had it when we were testing the Coffee Cup shaped universe; it was a big let down when the data from the microwave survey just didn’t support it. We’d been through so many different topologies by that point, including the Toothbrush shaped universe, the potato shaped universe, and the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Skeletor action figure shaped universe.”