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www.asgoodasnews.com

WASHINGTON, DC—CIA spokesperson Luke Mayorson announced Wednesday that the CIA has been monitoring Saddam Hussein’s away message and buddy profile for the last seven months.

“We’re starting to get a good picture of his daily routine,” said Mayorson. “Saddam usually gets up around eleven and goes to his political science and philosophy classes... This guy really likes to sleep, but it seems like he usually stays up till about 3 o’clock in the morning,” Mayorson said at a recent press conference. “What’s even stranger is that Saddam frequently wakes up to complete assignments between the hours of 5 and 8 AM. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure why he bothers to sign onto Instant Messenger during these work periods. It’s not as if an away message that says ‘Do not disturb’ will prevent people from knocking on his door.”

Information gathered from Saddam’s away messages will most likely be used to plan an assassination attempt on the Iraqi dictator.

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www.bbspot.com

Washington DC - Many think the war in cs_iraq is over, but one terrorist is camping an obscure corner of the map trying to force a draw, according to US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "He knows he can't win the round, so he's just camping where we can't find him, waiting for time to run out. Saddam is such a lamer," claimed Rumsfeld in a press conference today. "He's probably wallhacking too." "This is just another example of his pattern of behavior," continued Rumsfeld, who accused the {Ba'ath} clan of hiding behind hostages to decrease the US's score, in addition to other war crimes. "Its these cheaters and lamers that are ruining the fun of war for the rest of us."

The [US] clan has rolled through recent tournaments, handing defeat to the |TaLiBAN| clan in cs_kandahar, but has come under fire in the press lately for accusations of AWP-whoring and bunny-hopping. Elite defense analyst Thomas Franklin points out that clan [US] has repeatedly refused requests that they install Punkbuster. "They have no credibility. How do we know they're not cheating themselves? What a bunch of whiners."

Rumsfeld dismisses these charges. "This is all just a smoke and mirrors act. Saddam is the real cheater here. We have definitive proof that he used aimbot tons and tons of times, we just can't find it."

When asked about what upcoming clan battles team [US] has planned, Rumsfeld replied, "I just want to say that we're aware of what -=NK=-KimJong-afk has been saying about us in chatrooms. We'll see if he can still talk that trash after I headshot him with my deagle. This isn't Starcraft. Those Koreans don't stand a chance." -=NK=-KimJong-afk was unavailable for comment.

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ridiculopathy.com

BASRA, IRAQ- In spite of President Bush's announcement of the official end of hostilities in Iraq earlier this spring, militia groups and pro-Hussein forces continue to hammer at US and British forces... "At first I thought the Iraqi resistance groups just hadn't heard about the war being done," said American General George McClellan. "But as time goes on I'm starting to suspect that they're doing this deliberately."

Officials on the ground in Iraq have been scratching their heads for weeks over the continued hostilities. According to British General George Pomeroy Colley, getting the message through to Iraqi resistors that the fighting has officially ended has become increasingly difficult. "A gentleman showed up at HQ just yesterday with a belt made of explosives ready to set himself off. We showed him the 'stop fighting' signs in all the applicable languages. We even let him watch the President's speech declaring victory, but for some reason he felt the need to blow himself up anyway. Odd, that." CentCom has filed a grievance under the Geneva Convention, but it may be some time before we see a response.

...Adding to the frustration is the fact that the US-sponsored disarmament program is not going as well as planned. Iraqi citizens have so far not been enthused about giving up their means of self-defense, even after coalition forces have promised to stop accidentally bombing them. For reasons no one can define, Iraqi resentment continues to grow. It is this mysterious ill will that Rumsfeld says vexes him the most. "Before the war, Iraqis had jobs, utilities, and municipal services, but they were despotic jobs, utilities, and municipal services. I think it's easy for them to take their freedom for granted."

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www.thebrainstrust.co.uk

In a radical move that is sure to change the face of global warfare if accepted by the Security Council, the UN today revealed their proposal for the introduction of a “tournament structure” for all subsequent wars and conflicts across the globe. "The way things are organised at the moment is a bit of a mess, really," said UN Spokesman Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush... "If you look at all the ongoing conflicts that are happening in the world at the moment, you'll find that the rules of engagement are barely defined. You've got civilians blowing themselves up and killing other civilians, soldiers shooting at non-military targets and in the case of the Americans - Well, we intend to have a word with them about their 'safety first' policy."

...The resolution to be put before the Council proposes a structure closely based on the ranking system employed by football's governing body FIFA, where victories and defeats influence a team's overall standing... "The twelve most militarily capable countries will form the top seeds and hence will not be drawn against each other – we feel it's better that the 'big guns' are kept apart until the World War Finals in 2010." ...However, controversy already surrounds the draft resolution, with France being particularly vehement against its acceptance. "We do not agree at all with such an idea," fumed Jean-Marc de la Sablière, France's Ambassador to the UN, "Especially when it appears we are not one of the top seeds."

...Such comments have been reflected in a flurry of early betting up and down the country, with France 1500-1 outsiders to survive the decade as an independent nation. The surprise favourites are currently China, with both North and South Korea being touted as a good each-way bet for the casual gambler. The final word however must go to Derek Gadd, Professor of International Politics at Christ's College, Cambridge and noted bookmaker. "Word to the wise," he said, tapping the side of his nose knowingly. "Put your money on Israel to reach the finals."

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borowitzreport.com

One month after the conclusion of the active combat phase of the war in Iraq, many Halliburton executives stationed in that country are still without Evian water and other basic necessities, a spokesman for the executives said today. “We have been promised Evian for weeks, but so far that has been an empty promise,” said Kenneth Barber, the Halliburton spokesman. “It is time for the U.S. to back up its words with actions.”

Mr. Barber said that weeks ago, a representative of interim administrator L. Paul Bremer asked the Halliburton employees what kind of water they preferred – “sparkling, or still.” “That was the last we heard from him,” Mr. Barber said. “How long could it take for him to come back with our water?” Mr. Barber said that the absence of Evian water could set off a humanitarian crisis among the Halliburton executives, many of whom have already gone weeks without Starbucks coffee or flaky croissants.

In a speech to the people of Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the increasingly unhappy executives to be “patient.” “We know that the pace of reconstruction has been slow, but soon Iraq will be full of four-star restaurants and gourmet takeout places that will be the envy of the region,” Mr. Cheney said.

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borowitzreport.com

Cable news giant Fox News Channel said today that a possible war with Iran would cost only a "minimal" change in on-air graphics, but warned against the much steeper costs of creating graphics for a fight with North Korea. Dirk Slauson, a spokesman for Fox, said that many of the existing graphics used for "Showdown: Iraq" could be easily and inexpensively retooled for a potential "Showdown: Iran." "In many cases, all that's needed is changing one letter," Mr. Slauson said. Many images from Operation Iraqi Freedom could also be used for Operation Iranian Freedom, Mr. Slauson said, since both Iraq and Iran are "extremely sandy places."

...While extremely upbeat on the possible cost savings of a potential war with Iran, the Fox spokesman was far less sanguine about the U.S. entering into an armed conflict with North Korea. "With North Korea, you're talking about building graphics from scratch, basically, which costs a fortune," Mr. Slauson said. "That's the nightmare scenario.""

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www.asgoodasnews.com

WASHINGTON, DC—President George W. Bush wasted no time in responding to the question posed yesterday in an editorial published in the French newspaper, Le Monde, entitled, "Where is Bush's War Going?" The controversial article focused on increasing numbers of civilian casualties worldwide from the American President's perpetual war on terror.

Signaling a major shift in the direction of White House war policy emphasis, Mr. Bush called for a relentless war against gravity in the months ahead, opening a major new front in the rapidly escalating World War that began last year with the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq... The President described the new war on gravity as a necessary and noble enterprise that will make the world safer for democracy and free-market capitalism, but more importantly, free the good people of the world from the clutches of gravity and its murderous allies.

..."These adversaries are just the deadly tip of Nature's iceberg of terror," claimed the President, reading from prepared remarks. "These ancient enemies of freedom, justice, and commercial opportunity are extremely capable opponents. These enemies of the security of sovereign nations are very shrewd. And their whereabouts, obviously, is widespread."

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www.deadbrain.co.uk

A visibly angry Donald Rumsfeld, the US Secretary of Offence, told a press conference today that he was incensed with a plea for a halt on WMD stories. In a June 21st press release the International Satirists' Guild called on satirists worldwide to "put a halt to articles lampooning the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq until there is a 'further significant development' in the situation".

"This is not at all helpful," said Mr. Rumsfeld, "in fact it's downright irresponsible. If this bunch of lefty, long-haired so-called satirists think the situation regarding weapons of mass destruction isn't serious, I've got a bunch of eager marines who are more than ready to convince them otherwise. Are we ready to take forceful action against them? We sure are!"

...Prime Minister Tony Blair, informed of Mr. Rumsfeld's comments while on his way to Bootle to visit a new high-tech jam factory, merely reiterated his conviction that WMD will eventually be found, if not in Iraq, then somewhere.

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www.deadbrain.co.uk

Emperor Blair today issued a proclamation condemning criticism of last week's constitutional changes. Speaking from the building formerly known as Parliament, Emperor Tony explained that the amendments he had made to the constitution were little more than "fine tuning". Addressing his subjects with the authority befitting someone now in direct control of the Armed Forces, Our Glorious Leader said that changes were required in order for Britain to fulfil its destiny as a modern European democracy - particularly a modern European democracy with a self-appointed dictator.

He also pointed out that any further criticism of the process could result in "people's heads being cut off and rammed onto spikes".

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www.chaser.com.au

CANBERRA, Thursday – [australian prime minister] John Howard released a controversial policy statement today, arguing that the Senate be abolished in favour of a device measuring noise from the gallery of the House of Representatives. Howard called the current mechanisms of the Senate “anachronistic”, saying that it had been invented before technologies like the Clap-O-Meter and SMS polls. “A Government’s election is a mandate to implement policy, and therefore review of that policy should reflect majority opinion. We now have technology that can do through accurate measure of the applause from the public galleries” said Howard.

The Prime Minister admitted that the public gallery needed to be full enough to ensure representation of the wider community, and outlined a program of giveaways and door prizes to ensure this was the case, including a free Parliamentary t-shirt for every audience member. Howard also noted that “judges decisions would be final” and that polling was not open to minor party members or their families.

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www.asgoodasnews.com

Salesman-in-Chief George W. Bush kicked off the largest political fundraising drive in history Tuesday night, seeking to collect a $200 million commission on the $350 billion tax cut for which he won congressional approval... "I closed the deal, so a commission seems only fair,” Bush told lobbyists, chief executives and upper-crust Republican faithful who paid $2,000 apiece to throng the ballroom of a Washington hotel. “By my calculations, $200 million amounts to only 1/1750th of the tax cuts that we just won for you,” he said.

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theschmews.com

Washington - President Bush and his administration faced further pressure today regarding the evidence they provided to support the need for an immediate invasion of Iraqi following the publication of a key public opinion poll... While only 3% of those polled considered it important if it was proven that the President had deliberately misled the world to secure a swift invasion of a foreign nation [Iraq], this rose to a massive 98% if it also emerged that the President had been fellated by a White House intern.

"This sends a clear message to Mr. Bush." Roger Yennate director of polling company WeGov told reporters. "The American people are saying very clearly that they can only be pushed so far. Rolling into another country, killing its people and acquiring its natural resources will only be tolerated if the President is not sinning outside the marital bed. That could lead to impeachment."

Mr. Yennate went on to confirm that similarly, the creation of a fair and democratic authority in Iraqi and the formation of a Palestinian state are not issues the general public are particularly concerned with unless Mr. Bush's sperm is found clinging to a young lady's dress. "The war was fought on a very moral platform." Mr. Yennate told us. "President Bush made it very clear that he was going to invade Iraq and use any reason to rally world support. Deceiving the rest of the world is sometimes necessary in the best interests of the USA and its allies' commercial interests, but if that deception slips into the bedroom then the public are prepared to shown their anger. Everyone has their moral boundaries."

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www.bobsfridge.com/skew.html

Pentagon spokeswoman Torie Clarke said interviews with Iraqi prisoners confirmed that anti-war protests by Hollywood actors aided and abetted their fight against coalition forces. “Most of the P.O.W’s said they had no desire to fight for Saddam and would have quickly surrendered. But then they got word that liberal Hollywood actors spoke out against the war and they were inspired to take up arms and fight on their behalf. They particularly singled out Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon as their biggest motivators,” she told reporters at the daily briefing. Clarke hoped this would send a warning to others about the serious consequences of opposing the president. “We can’t bring freedom and democracy to the people of Iraq if irresponsible Americans don’t obey their government,” Clarke noted.

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www.newshax.com

SEOUL, South Korea – North Korea sharpened its tone in the standoff with the United States on Monday, threatening for the first time to sell “cool sunglasses”, similar to those donned by North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, to terrorist organizations unless Washington abandons its “hostile” stance toward the communist nation... The regime also linked its recent buildup of cool sunglasses with rebuilding the country’s shattered economy. The “intention to build up a supply of cool sunglasses is not to threaten and blackmail others,” but rather is an attempt to create a supply of cash that will benefit its citizens, the agency said.

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borowitzreport.com

In what was widely seen as an attempt to send North Korean dictaor Kim Jung-Il a message, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld delivered a major policy speech on North Korea today wearing big green 'Hulk' hands.

Gesturing forcefully with the big green hands – a popular novelty item sold at Toys ‘R’ Us and other retail outlets – Mr. Rumsfeld delivered a stern warning to the North Korean madman. “Don’t make me mad,” Mr. Rumsfeld said, alluding to Pyongyang’s active nuclear program. “You won’t like me when I’m mad.”

According to foreign policy insiders, the symbolism of Mr. Rumsfeld’s big green ‘Hulk’ hands was unmistakable.

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www.the-lineonline.com

(Gaza City) - In a move which left Israeli military strategists scratching their heads, Palestinians gained the upper hand against the mighty Israeli military machine, leaving several tanks in a big cloud of smoke. The Israeli military was conducting an exercise to flush out Hamas extremists when a stone attack of massive proportions caught them off guard. "We were on a routine patrol in Nablus, which is normally met by various RPG and small-arms fire, when suddenly a young Palestinian jumped out from behind a corner and started hurling rocks at us. Fearing the damage these stones could inflict on our machinery, we started a rapid retreat. Several of the leading tanks made it to safety, but we lost two or three of our vehicles to direct hits by what can only be described as rocks", said one Israeli solder in an interview shortly after the attack.

...Members of the Israeli cabinet are now demanding, in addition to the cessation of terror attacks, promises by the Palestinians to end their use of granite weaponry. While still reeling from the bus bombings late last week, many are thankful that it was just a bomb on the bus instead of a rock fight. "They took out nearly 20 people with one explosion, but had the Palestinian on the bus been armed with stones, he could've leveled the whole crowd."

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www.deadbrain.co.uk

The concept of irony, which has eluded Americans for over three centuries, was finally discovered by accident last week at state-renowned institution The Los Angeles Research Foundation (The LARF). Senior researcher Dr Zack Bauer remarked, "We first got the idea when we spotted a group of European students giggling stupidly at one of [George Bush] Junior's speeches about 'unelected WMD-wielding maniacs rampaging across the globe and ignoring international consensus'. Well, none of us folk could see what was so darn tootin'. So we decided to investigate."

..."For years now," explained Professor Patrick Harden of leading British comedy think-tank The Ramsbottom Institute, "the US has defined irony in terms of the Alanis Morrisette song 'Ironic', which, ironically, does not contain one palpable trace of irony. For instance on rainy wedding days, Americans now will commonly say, 'Oh my Gawd how ironic!' Typically this is repeated for practically any situation."

...Optimistic observers the length and breadth of Luxembourg have now claimed that it will be "months, not millennia" before Americans discover even more advanced forms of humour such as dry wit and effective sarcasm.

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www.theschmews.com

Iraq - The US/UK occupying powers in Iraq today officially reclassified all Iraqi people as "Saddam Supporters" and Iraq itself as a "pocket of resistance" in order to provide a blanket explanation for a worrying and increasing number of attacks on US and UK troops.

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www.enduringvision.com

Sorrow and disbelief washed over the entire nation today as news spread that a U.S. solider, whose name is being withheld until authorities notify his family in 120-450 days, was "badly frightened" while attempting to break up a protest today in Iraq, where “some number of those Iraqi people may have died,” according to a White House press release.

...The unfortunate incident happened short during a Baghdad protest, where several hundred Iraqis were voicing their anger “for some reason,” according to General Tommy Franks... The Iraqis, who were actually protesting their job losses after the U.S. dissolved Iraq’s military force, according to non-Tommy Franks sources, began their protest peacefully enough, said U.S. administrator Paul Bremer. But soon after, it became apparent that the Iraqis were “not happy”.... More “debauchery” occurred when a U.S. armoured convoy arrived on the scene, only to be “shaken” by the protesters.

“Those animals swarmed the convey and shook it very hard, frightening the soldiers inside,” Bremer continued... In light of these “horrific actions,” Bremer said, soldiers had no choice but to fire their assault weapons into the crowd of Iraqis, “probably hurting a few.”

“It is possible that the bullets from the soldiers’ guns - while intended only as a warning - did slightly injure a few citizens,” Bremer admitted. “After all, those bullets move pretty fast. But any Iraqis injured by our fire died later of their own accord, from non-controllable factors such as blood loss and internal organ rupturing.”

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www.thebrainstrust.co.uk

At a conference in Hong Kong this week, a group of international donors, including the European Union, have pledged 5 duodecillion euros in aid to struggling third-world nations. The money will be liberally distributed using a complex formula, believed to include factors such as the photogenity of starving children, pluckiness shown in Winter Olympics events and "how much the US government approves of the recipient nation's leadership regime".

...However, whilst publicly acclaimed by international leaders, there are concerns about the viability of the scheme. An anonymous EU official worried that there may not be enough euros in existence to meet the demand... In a cost-cutting measure, US officials suggested that up to 40% of the aid would become unnecessary should foreign labour be used.

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www.bobsfridge.com/skew.html

President Bush told supporters at a Republican meeting in Washington that he will run for reelection with Vice President Dick Cheney. The announcement ended months of speculation that he may step down after his first term to enlist in the Air Force to fly F-16’s. “The vice president phoned me from his bunker and asked if I will serve as his front man for another four years and I agreed,” Bush said sporting the flight jacket he has refused to take off since his recent landing on an aircraft carrier.

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ridiculopathy.com

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Late last week, the Supreme Court issued what legal scholars are calling a landmark decision on the issue of Affirmative Action. Unfortunately, no one is quite sure what the resolutely undecided Court actually did and whose side the ruling benefits. On Monday a gang of reporters and college admissions officials ambushed Chief Justice William Rehnquist demanding to know what the decision actually means. After a good deal of needling, Rehnquist explained that the High Court had made the Solomon-like decision to split college students in two, allowing one half to attend the higher educational institution of thir choice while the other half works at Arby's, smokes bales of pot, and complains about unfair admissions practices.

At Sunday's candidate forum sponsored by Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH coalition, Democratic Presidential hopefuls crawled over one another to comment on the development... Dick Gephardt, Howard Dean, John Kerry and even the troll-like guy from Ohio all voiced enthusiastic support for the idea of Affirmative Action in the name of diversity and fairness, but they roundly refused to follow Jackson's advice and "spot" fellow candidates Rev. Al Sharpton and Senator Carol Mosley Braun primary votes to even out the field.

Senator John Kerry said the proposal was "completely different" from Affirmative Action and amounted to reverse discrimination. "In traditional Affirmative Action cases, minorities are competing with whites for the same job or admissions placement and need a leg up. In this situation, however, seven white people and two black people are competing for the job of President of the United States. I just don't see the connection." House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt similarly declined the offer. "Don't get me wrong. I'm all for an executive branch that looks like America, but I'm not going to throw away my best shot at the Presidency to some black dude." "Yes," agreed the creepy man from Ohio, peeking out from under his specially-constructed bridge. "I [mumble] see a future [mumble mumble] greasy Mexicans."

Challenging the caucasian candidates to "look into their hearts," Jackson argued that holding a racially weighted 2004 primary was the best way to prove the Democratic Party's genuine commitment to social justice. As an opener, Jackson suggested an across-the-board 15% bump for Sharpton and Braun, equivalent to about 820,000 votes each. Vermont Governor Howard Dean scratched his head, admitting that he wasn't aware that Braun was even in the race.

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theonion.com

NEW YORK—Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge each time they use the word "bank." "Now, each time a customer uses the word 'bank' in either its spoken or written form, 75 cents will be automatically deducted from his or her account," said Kenneth Nordland, 54, president of the American Banking Association. "For instance, if you say, 'I bank with Bank of America,' that would cost you $1.50." Nordland added that customers wishing to avoid the penalty are encouraged to use the alternate phrase "financial institution."

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newshax.com

NewsHax wire -- Wilford Harris, lead Federal prosecutor for the Martha Stewart stock fraud case, resigned Monday after he reportedly awoke Sunday morning to discover his favorite pet rabbit boiling on his stove, prepared ala fennel with a saffron demi-glace' and tastefully garnished with rose petals and a sprig of homegrown mint.

Police are without any leads into the perpetrators identity thus far.

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www.glossynews.com

A seven-pound vibrator has claimed the life of right wing talk show host Laura Schlessinger. Her nude body was found in bed Tuesday morning, diplaying evidence of a heavy blow to the head. The industrial-size vibrator apparently fell from the top of her headboard and onto her head, killing her instantly.

...Former President Clinton, saddened to the point of laughter, had this to say of Dr. Laura: "America didn't know she had a dildo. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all."

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www.glossynews.com

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Kellogg Co., the world's largest producer of breakfast foods, acknowledged Thursday its 'Assasination Pop-Tarts®' toaster pastries have been sold overseas as high-tech weaponry since 1990. In a startling revelation, Chairman and CEO Carlos Gutierrez told reporters the Battle Creek, Michigan-based group was "sorry" to have misled American consumers and offered compensation to two families whose homes burned after Pop-Tarts in their toasters caught fire, in the form of a year's supply of breakfast snacks and an expense-paid weekend in Battle Creek. The two families had threatened to sue Kellogg for selling them a defective product. Kellogg had previously promised a "vigorous defense," and lawyers said they'd show the families had just bought "cheap-shit toasters." But Gutierrez backed off from that stance at his press conference.

"From all of us at the Kellogg's family, I want to say to those two families that we're sorry, and we'll make it up to you. But this is perhaps the best opportunity for us to come clean and tell the American public and our investors what Pop-Tarts are really about," Gutierrez said. The executive detailed over 10 years of Kellogg strategy to improve margins by lacing its toaster pastries with various explosives and poisons and selling them to intelligence agencies and arms dealers overseas... "Think about it like this. Abdul Terrorist sits down to breakfast. He's got his newspaper, his tall glass of OJ. Doesn't eat bacon, so he sticks a high-explosive Assasination Pop-Tart® in the toaster, courtesy of the Mossad, and, snap, crackle, BOOM!" Gutierrez said. "Fast, effective, and I think you'll agree it has done wonders for shareholder value while allowing us to keep U.S. cereal prices low."

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www.chaser.com.au

MANCHESTER, Thursday: The world's best-known hair model, David Beckham, today refused to rule out a rumoured multimillion dollar transfer to an Italian hairdresser next year. The Milan-based cutter Paolo Vespuccio has been trying to add Beckham to his stable of famous models for several years. Vespuccio confirmed he was trying to sign Beckham. “I'd love to work with David,” Vespuccio said. “From the World Cup mini-Mohawk to the dreadlocks he had recently, no-one in the world today has done more to promote innovative hairstyles. Why wouldn't I try to sign someone with that much natural talent?” Vespuccio believes that his hair concepts for Beckham could even surpass his most famous work with romance novel coverboy Fabio.

Beckham has risen to prominence through his partnership with Manchester stylist Adee Phelan, but insiders believe he and his wife Victoria, a generic celebrity, are now favouring a move abroad. Several leading Spanish hairdressers, including Juan Alvarez of Barcelona, have also indicated they are prepared to pay to sign Beckham, who they believe will more than repay the expense of signing him with his capacity to generate headlines on the basis of a slight variation in hairstyle.

When Beckham's transfer to one of the big European hairdressers is complete, it is understood he plans to also find a local club where he can pursue his hobby, football.

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borowitzreport.com

The U.S., deluged in recent weeks by press reports and television appearances by someone named “Beckham” has demanded that the British government offer a “full explanation of exactly who this Beckham person is,” the State Department said today. “We are not sure what he is famous for, but we would like to know who he is and why exactly we are being forced to care about him all of a sudden,” Secretary of State Colin Powell told reporters in a press briefing today.

While concerns about a sharp uptick in Beckham-related chatter had already put many at the State Department on edge, Beckham’s appearance with his wife Posh Spice at last week’s MTV Movie Awards raised the State Department’s anxiety to the boiling point. “In addition to explaining who exactly Beckham is, we are asking the British government to remind us who Posh Spice is again,” Mr. Powell said. While relations between Britain and the U.S. have never been warmer, their close ties could be torn asunder by their differences over Beckham, experts fear.

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www.newshax.com

An ancient boom box purported to have played grooves for Jesus’ brother, James, is a fake, Israel’s Antiquities Authority said Wednesday... The inscription on the tape player reads, “If found please return to James, son of Joseph. REWARD!" followed by, "and keep your hands off my stuff Jesus,” leading some scholars to believe it belonged to James, the brother of Jesus of Nazareth.

...Recent studies indicate that the inscription appears to be new, and written in modernity with a $29 Office-Max label-maker. Furthermore, the words were scribed in modern English which wasn't spoken anywhere for another 1500 years, an almost certain nail in the coffin for arguments of the boom box's authenticity.

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www.qfever.com

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Senate Finance Committee announced yesterday that it has approved funding for the 1982 Veterans Administration Computer Upgrade Project, paving the way for a technological overhaul that many observers describe as "long overdue." At the centerpiece of the project is the system-wide replacement of outdated mainframe terminals with newer, more powerful Commodore 64 computers. These consoles, introduced in the early 1980's, are equipped with 64K RAM, 1.02 mHz clock speed, a 16-color high-resolution display, and a built-in BASIC language interpreter, thereby increasing the VA system's computing power by a hundred-fold. Critical information will be stored on a sophisticated "Datasette" cassette tape data retrieval system, and cost-efficient daisy-wheel printers will be implemented to replace the current stock of dot-matrix models, many of which have been in operation since the mid-seventies. "Speed is the major advantage with the daisy-wheels," said Dr. Mike Masur, the VA's national IT director. "It's a little noisy, but you can get a full page printed out in just under 2 minutes."

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www.qfever.com

TRENTON, NJ—According to reports, the "Contraceptive Sponge" will become available again this month, after an eight-year absence from the birth-control market. A popular contraceptive among women who preferred to avoid hormones, the sponge was withdrawn from the market in 1994, forcing many couples to use other household cleaning products as contraceptives.

While Brillo™ pads and the Oreck™ 8-pound Vacuum were found to have little use in preventing unwanted pregnancy, the patented Swiffer™ had established a niche among women and couples who appreciated its versatility and absorbency. In addition, the Swiffer's™ ability to grab on to hair, dust, and dirt allowed for easy clean-up once the sex act was done.

...Nevertheless, the fact that sperm are "Swiff-able™" did not translate into a high rates of pregnancy prevention - only 70-80% - relative to that obtained using condoms, intrauterine devices, and hormonal contraceptives. Additionally, many couples found the flexible plastic handle of the Swiffer™ Duster uncomfortable during sex. These factors, combined with the Swiffer's™ high price compared with that of other contraceptive products, lead many analysts to predict a sharp decline in its use now that the sponge is once again available.