a bit o'satire

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theonion.com

For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the offer, but we can handle it from here," Lt. Gen. William Wallace told U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix. "We're getting very close to finding Saddam's massive WMD stockpile, and to have the U.N. get involved at this point would just complicate matters."

...U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan has given President Bush a June 28 deadline to let inspectors into Iraq.

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deadbrain.co.uk

After Israel attempted to assassinate a Hamas leader on Tuesday, US President George W. Bush said he was "troubled" by Israel's actions and by the escalating violence in the Middle East.

At an Israeli checkpoint today, reaction was overwhelmingly sarcastic. "Really? Bush is troubled? Wow!" one Palestinian man said. "That and a dollar will get me a Coke!" Riffing on this sentiment, a nearby Israeli woman said, "So, Bush is troubled? Wonderful. That and a bus token will get me killed by another suicide bomber!"

Another Palestinian man, this one being strip-searched by two Israeli soldiers looking for explosives, said, "It's good to hear Bush is troubled. Maybe now I'll go and build that house in Jenin I've always wanted. The Israelis won't send in the bulldozers, now that Bush is troubled." "Yes," one soldier replied, "now we won't have to call in those air-strikes anymore! That was costing us a lot of money!" ...The Palestinians and Israelis at the checkpoint here all had a good laugh today, and nobody was killed or injured.

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theonion.com

WASHINGTON, DC—At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts' expectations by more than 20 cents per share. The gain marks the GOP's third consecutive profitable quarter, and puts the party on track for its best 12-month cycle since 1991, the year of the first Gulf War. "Obviously, we're ecstatic," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL), who celebrated with other high-ranking GOP members at a champagne brunch in his chambers Tuesday. "This is heartening news for our party, especially coming as it does during such a sluggish overall period for the American economy."

..."Quarters like this don't come along very often," Republican Party CFO Dick Cheney said. "In a three-month span, we inked deals with more than 1,300 corporations, signing contracts to build everything from oil pipelines to surveillance equipment to aircraft carriers. We've also aggressively expanded into some lucrative new overseas markets. I honestly haven't seen a boom like this since the go-go early '90s."

...The party is traded on the NYSE under the symbol USGOP.

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cnnot.com

Facing persistent questions over the reliability of intelligence information seemed to indicate that Iraq had a tyrannical dictator, President Bush today asserted that Saddam Hussein definitely existed and that he or his remains will be found.

“Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Saddam existed. He was there, in Iraq, leading his people to ruination... And his sons. It’s just going to take some time and some patience. I don’t believe for a minute that those Iraqis could have pulled the wool over our eyes by just hyping up this Saddam character for no reason. Why would they? If there was no Saddam in the first place, why go through all the charades for the last decade and risk certain destruction at the hands of an imperialist aggressor?”

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tussonline.com

Senior Executives at NBC announced today that the newly elected Bishop of New Hampshire, the Rev. Canon V. Gene Robinson, the first openly gay Bishop, will be making a guest appearance on the Will and Grace season opener. Bishop-Elect Robinson will play an old family friend who puts the moves on Will. "We couldn't be more excited," said an unnamed NBC source. "If all goes well it may become a recurring role, perhaps turning into a super-sized season finale with Madonna. The possibilities are endless."

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glossynews.com

In a startling revelation this week, President George W. Bush was ejected from a cabinet meeting after it was discovered he was using a corked brain.

The incident occurred early in the first agenda item, as Mr. Bush addressed “revealing the truth” about WMD in Iraq. At his first attempted explanation, the President’s head shattered onto the conference table, exposing a cylinder of cork mixed in with brain tissue. Mr. Bush was ejected from the meeting as Secret Service personnel gathered up bits of cork and brain. "I use that brain for meeting practice,” Bush said. “It’s something that I take the blame for. It’s a mistake, I know that. I just apologize to everybody that are embarrassed.”

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the-lineonline.com

UNITED NATIONS (LINE) -- A "high probability" exists that the Bush Administration will continue its attempt to convince the world for the next two years that there are Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, according to a U.S. report presented to a U.N. committee today. Closing the sale is especially critical here at home considering the upcoming election. Convincing the rest of the world is a far lesser priority because it's virtually impossible... A highly medicated spokesman from the United Nations information office said the report's final release was delayed because it had to be translated into the agency's forty-two official languages.

The report didn't specify where the U.S. would possibly hide decoy Weapons of Mass Destruction. But one source, who has not yet shown up mysteriously dead, said that the weapons would probably turn up in Iraq, but not necessarily... There is speculation that a slew of alleged chemical weapons labs will be discovered in one of Iraq's remote mobile home parks. The unnamed source insinuated that most other Iraqis are unlikely to associate with trailer-trash.

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deadbrain.co.uk

Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III announced today that US troops in Iraq have finally found what they have been looking for since the fall of the country - weapons of mass destruction, or WMD. "We have found WMD that we did not previously suspect Iraq of having," he told a hastily convened press conference. "It turns out that they had developed and deployed Catastrophic Air-burst Mine Earth Levellers, or CAMELs, and blended them so well into the landscape that we just didn't notice them until now."

...This finding finally provides the much-needed support to the claims made by both US President "Boy" George W. Bush and his ally, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, that the regime of Saddam Hussein™ did indeed have WMD. White House spokeswoman Mildred K. Ramsbottom told reporters: "The President is relieved that he can now put the doubting Thomases behind him and move on to more pressing issues, like where to go for his summer holiday." ...Army officials are now planning a CAMEL decommissioning process, to be completed sometime after the public have lost interest, if at all.

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borowitzreport.com

CBS, as part of its full-court press to snag an exclusive interview with Pfc. Jessica Lynch, today offered the war hero Dan Rather's job as anchor of the "CBS Evening News."

Private Lynch's contract, expected to pay seven million dollars a year for a term of five years, was considered extraordinary for someone who has never anchored a newscast before, but CBS insiders called it a "bargain" if it leads to an exclusive on-air chat with her. "We'll do whatever it takes to get that interview with Jessica," said CBS Chairman Leslie Moonves. "We have not begun to suck up."

The unceremonious firing of Mr. Rather, who had served as anchor and managing editor of the "CBS Evening News" since 1981, startled some broadcast industry insiders, who suggested that the courting of Private Lynch was going too far. But Private Lynch's decision to take Mr. Rather's anchor spot came only after she had already been offered comedian Ray Romano's starring role in CBS's top-rated sitcom, "Everyone Loves Raymond." According to sources close to the negotiations, CBS was prepared to rename the series "Everyone Loves Private First Class Jessica Lynch Even More Than They Love Raymond."

While Private Lynch has not yet guaranteed CBS the rights to an exclusive interview, Mr. Moonves said today that if push comes to shove CBS was prepared to offer Private Lynch the lead roles on "JAG," "Yes, Dear," and up to a dozen new spin-offs of "C.S.I." "If that doesn't work, she can have my job," Mr. Moonves said.

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borowitzreport.com

The U.S., deluged in recent weeks by press reports and television appearances by someone named “Beckham” has demanded that the British government offer a “full explanation of exactly who this Beckham person is,” the State Department said today. “We are not sure what he is famous for, but we would like to know who he is and why exactly we are being forced to care about him all of a sudden,” Secretary of State Colin Powell told reporters in a press briefing today.

While concerns about a sharp uptick in Beckham-related chatter had already put many at the State Department on edge, Beckham’s appearance with his wife Posh Spice at last week’s MTV Movie Awards raised the State Department’s anxiety to the boiling point. “In addition to explaining who exactly Beckham is, we are asking the British government to remind us who Posh Spice is again,” Mr. Powell said... “Not only do we have no idea who Beckham is, we have no idea what ‘bending it’ is,” Mr. Powell said.

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iconoclast.ca

Already reeling from the Jayson Blair plagiarism scandal, Percy Sulzberger, the new managing editor of The New York Times, revealed yesterday that for over 50 years the ironically-named "newspaper of record" has been fabricating international weather reports. "Yeah, we've been making it up for decades," said Mr. Sulzberger. "I mean, who really gives a damn what the temperature is in Karachi or Timbuktu anyway? It's not like anyone actually goes there."

In related news, Shelby Lyman, chess columnist for the Times, admitted yesterday that for years he has been making up chess games out of whole cloth for his column. "Jesus, what a bunch of morons," said Mr. Lyman. "You'd of thought that somebody might have questioned the veracity of the Poopoff vs. Sonufabitch 1896 championship game that I wrote about in last Sunday's column, but I guess the people who read the Times really are a bunch of gullible liberals. Hey, maybe one of our readers out there would like to buy a bridge I've got in Brooklyn."

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theonion.com

Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge each time they use the word "bank." "Now, each time a customer uses the word 'bank' in either its spoken or written form, 75 cents will be automatically deducted from his or her account," said Kenneth Nordland, 54, president of the American Banking Association. "For instance, if you say, 'I bank with Bank of America,' that would cost you $1.50." Nordland added that customers wishing to avoid the penalty are encouraged to use the alternate phrase "financial institution."