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theschmews.com

Amsterdam - A cynical and frightened world population was today given hope when the world's leading mathematicians solved the riddle of 'x', the so-called unknown factor in the riddle of how President Bush and Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair could claim to be making the world a safer place.

..."It was a most intriguing puzzle." Dr. Bas Leeremans of the Dutch Institute of Really Very Advanced Mathematics told us. "Terrorist threats increased with every country that the US invaded, and yet President Bush continues to claim to be making the world a safer place. This claim may seem, well, perhaps, even untrue, but when you arrange it as a mathematical formula, all soon becomes clear, ja?"

...Unsure of the solution to x, Dr. Leeremans opened the formula to the world's finest minds to solve... The solution was eventually found by chance while Dr. Leeremans was listening to a statement being made by outgoing White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. "It was a real 'Eureka!' moment," Dr. Leeremans continued. "Suddenly it all made sense. It balanced. NaCl, just common, or garden, NaCl is what was needed to make the statement true, ja?"

The triumphant Doctor now realises that this magic factor 'x' explains almost all statements made by or on behalf of President Bush, Tony Blair and their administrations. "Sometimes the answer is just staring you in the face. You have to adjust the dosage, but as long as you take these claims with a pinch of NaCl, then it all makes sense." Dr. Leeremans continued.

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borowitzreport.com

Former press secretary Ari Fleischer, in his first breakfast at home since leaving the White House, repeatedly dodged his wife’s questions and was “less than candid” with her on a broad range of topics, Mrs. Fleischer complained today. In a press conference held immediately following breakfast, Mrs. Fleischer told reporters gathered on the Fleischers’ lawn that the trouble started when she asked her husband if he had taken the garbage out as she had asked him to do. “That’s something I’m not going to address at this time,” Mr. Fleischer reportedly replied. “Let me just say that we’re very happy with where the garbage is right now, and we’re making excellent progress on that.”

...Meanwhile, at the White House, reporters gathered for the first press briefing by Mr. Fleischer’s replacement, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. “The economy is recovering beautifully and Dick Cheney is very, very sexy,” Mr. al-Sahaf told reporters.

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iraqiinformationministry.com

The Iraqi war effort today scored a significant victory when it unveiled White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, ranked the Jack of Spades in the Coalition "Most Wanted" deck as the new press spokesman for the esteemed Iraqi Information Ministry. The announcement of Fleischer's surrender and defection followed news of his decision to quit working for the White House to move into the "private sector".

...Fleischer surrendered to the esteemed Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf outside Mr. al-Sahhaf's aunt's home in central Baghdad. Fleischer had escaped from the US and sneaked into Iraq disguised as a Weapon of Mass Destruction... A triumphant Fleischer said, "I thought they might suspect I would give myself up to the Iraqi forces so I had to think of disguising myself as the least likely thing the US or UK would be looking for. It couldn't have worked better. I managed to walk five hundred miles disguised as an anthrax-tipped long-range missile, passing through three Coalition checkpoints on the way. They did ask me what I was doing, so I told them that I was a weapon of mass destruction on my way to Baghdad to check the precise coordinates of my target in Israel. They just laughed and waved me on."

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theonion.com

WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S.

...The primary role of Rufus—- previously employed by a Georgetown-area Gas 'N' Go to intimidate drunken late-night patrons and would-be shoplifters—- will be one of deterrence. Beginning June 1, the dog will be deployed to various U.S. bridges, national monuments, and other potential terror targets, where he will be chained to a pair of cinderblocks and instructed to bark, growl, and leap at potential terrorists—defined as individuals who come too close, make eye contact with him, or just don't smell right.

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newshax.com

BAGHDAD, Iraq. (IP) -- With a siren-wailing police escort, a truck full of doughnuts made its way to a Krispy Kreme construction site yesterday and loudly declared the arrival of a new competitor in Baghdad Donuts territory. The North Carolina-based Krispy Kreme is getting ready to open its first store in Baghdad, an area that already holds almost 15 Baghdad Donuts stores... Dozens of people stood in the hot sun to listen to politicians praise the company and its signature glazed doughnuts.

..."To be the first town to have a Krispy Kreme is so important," Baghdad's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf said.

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borowitzreport.com

Iraq’s interim administrator L. Paul Bremer III today designated the car alarm as Iraq’s new national anthem, calling the decision an “important step on the road to normalcy.”

By giving the nod to the car alarm as the country’s new anthem, interim administrators are hoping to dispel the widespread impression that lawlessness reigns in the newly liberated country. “Now when people hear a car alarm, they won’t think that another car is being stolen,” Mr. Bremer III said. “Instead, they’ll stop what they’re doing and pay their respects.” So far, the decision seems to have had only limited success, as the first performance of the car alarm-themed anthem before a Baghdad-Tikrit soccer game this afternoon sent spectators scrambling for the parking lot to see if their cars were still there.

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ridiculopathy.com

An exotic "people exploding" disease once thought to be confined mainly to Israel's West Bank and Gaza Strip has, according to recent reports, spread as far West as Morocco... Naturally, the rapid onset of Spontaneous Human Explosion Syndrome [or SHES] has health officials quite concerned. Dr. Julie Gerberding of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with the World Health Organization in an attempt to stem the SARS-like spread of this deadly disorder... In an interview with CNN on Saturday, Gerberding suggested that local health officials encourage ill people to avoid going to work or the store until they feel better. "Whatever you do, don't go visit a rival ethnic or religious group during your illness; our records show your chance of exploding goes up something like 500%.

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theschmews.com

In the wake of the sickening and well co-ordinated series of suicide bomb attacks in Saudi Arabia, US President George W. Bush promised to punish those guilty for the bombings or to alternatively invade Iran. "Either those terrorists or Iran will feel the might of American justice for this," Mr Bush declared.

...White House officials were initially downbeat when it was discovered that none of the suspected suicide bombers were Iranian Nationals to help build the case to invade Iran. However it is now believed that a veiled and ambiguous connection half-mentioned at a world press conference without official confirmation but stated anyway may be enough to convince the world of the need to invade Iran.

..."They will feel the might of American justice." The American President continued. "But if we cannot find the real guilty party then Iran is going to get it good, and if that is blocked then the Afghanis should think twice about getting their bomb-damaged properties fixed for the time being." British Prime Minister Tony Blair agreed.

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noapologiespress.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- George W. Bush declared that he would adopt a whole new platform on which to campaign for a second presidential term, thereby abandoning the old platform that worked so well for him in the previous election. "I tell you what, I'm done taking advantage of my past drug use, my inability to run a business successfully and my being a deserter of the armed forces during a time of war in my next election," Bush said at a press conference Wednesday morning... Other accomplishments on which Bush won't run include being the first person with criminal record to assume the presidency.

...Political analysts found the move bold and invigorating. "It's completely awesome, dude," opined Raymond Radcliffe, a member of the College Republicans. "See, Bush is like, totally gonna get the kids freakin' excited with all new stuff. Just like The Matrix Reloaded is gonna totally kick the first one's ass, broham. You just wait."

...William Sapphire, conservative columnist for The New York Times, agrees. "Bush has built up his resume over the past two years, and doesn't need to depend on the tried-and-true formula of drugs, drinks, desertion and business hi-jinks to get votes."

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the-lineonline.com

Treasury Secretary, John Snow has turned the field of mathematics on its ear. His spin on "new math" will send math students across the country into uncontrollable fits of glee. One inner-city school administrator said, "this will have my kids peeing in their pants." He's already called in janitorial backup, anticipating a torrent of bladder control problems.

Snow, whose net worth of around $100 million make's him one of the wealthiest members of the Bush Cabinet has revealed unexpected, insider information concerning the U.S. economy. In a recent interview with Dr. Phil Mcgraw... [Dr. Phil asserted,] "This is what you said in 1995 and it couldn't be clearer: "The budget deficit puts a hole in the pocket of every American, every day of their lives. It threatens the very foundation of our culture and we must seize and act upon this historic opportunity to solve this, the most pressing issue facing the country." ...Mr. Secretary, when you allegedly made those comments in 1995, the deficit was $164 billion... The deficit today is close to $300 billion, heading to $500 billion, and you know that as well as I do. And, at the same time, you were praising President Clinton for showing political courage in dealing with the budget."

...Snow retorted, "Anybody who knows third grade math can understand that $500 billion is less than $164 billion." Dr. Phil asked about the fact that "We've gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $246 billion deficit." The Secretary replied, "Does anybody know what the hell is the difference between surplus and deficit?" Those sound like made up words to me."

Dr. Phil said that Snow was a, "Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot." Snow replied, "It takes one to know one," and passed the bottle to Dr. Phil.

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borowitzreport.com

The McDonald’s restaurant chain today announced a dramatic plan to “supersize” its restaurants’ chairs and tables in the hopes of making its patrons look and feel less obese.

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ridiculopathy.com

DAVENPORT, IOWA- Congressman Dick Gephardt shot to the front of the crowded field of Democratic Presidential hopefuls two weeks ago with the release of his plan to provide comprehensive medical coverage and prescription drug benefits to all Americans... Last week former Vermont Governor Howard Dean made a splash with a plan he calls a "radical alternative," though the differences are quite subtle. In fact, several dozen pages appear to have been photocopied directly from the Gephardt plan.

...John Kerry of Massachusetts issued his own plan on Monday, one that draws from his decades of experience representing the most forward-thinking state in the Union. Knowing that a country that couldn't afford universal healthcare in the middle of the Internet Boom is not likely to take the notion seriously now that it is flat broke, Kerry focused his plan on cutting healthcare costs. The trick, he surmised, is to somehow provide world-class healthcare without actually spending money... To accomplish this, Kerry called upon the nation's largest untapped labor force: elves, gnomes, fairies and wood sprites... Elves and whatnot have long been a service to humankind, doing their good deeds in the middle of the night with no request for compensation. Kerry's plan would merely codify the system, potentially freeing up trillions of budget dollars.

...As idyllic as the plan appears, portions of it are already coming apart at the seams. In recent years European elves have begun to unionize, demanding equal pay to their human counterparts or, failing that, the firstborn child of the queen. The issue of liability insurance has become a sticking point in the plan as well. Fairies and pixies want assurances that they will be shielded from civil litigation if, for example, a patient suffering appendicitis receives a fabulous broadsword or really long glittery hair instead. So far Kerry's staff reports no progress in negotiations.

...Howard Dean later reminded Iowans that the 2004 campaign is not about health plans or bitter rivalries, but something far greater. "What is really important is what's best for the country," said Dean. "And right now what's best for the country is to appease the hard core bunch of nutbags who vote in early Democratic primaries."

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newshax.com

Seawater represents about 97.2% of the total volume of the water of the world and covers more than 70% of the surface of the planet according to geographers. To Exxon, this represents an inexhaustible and renewable ready-to-use fuel supply in terms of human consumption of energy.

In a press conference today, they announced the culmination of their efforts in finally developing methods for turning ordinary seawater into a useable fuel that can potentially power homes for generations. "The answer was right under our noses this whole time," said an Exxon scientist. "All this time we looked for ways to combat oil spills when actually, they solve one of mankind's holy grails of energy production... Between our tankers, our offshore drilling platforms and our Captain Hazelwoods, we have already converted a substantial portion of the worlds seas to fuel at one time or another."

[Bernard Jenkins, Chief of Future Expendable Energy Resourses,] later added, "Environmentalists misguidedly made us clean them up, and at the time it seemed the right thing to do, but now we realize that 70% of the earths surface could become a vast fuel reserve, eliminating the need for expensive tankers and intercontinental pipelines to ferry oil to every nation of the world."

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newshax.com

While speaking to a group of reporters gathered in New Mexico this morning, Navajo Nation President Kelsey Runningbear took the hard line in his campaign for re-election and vowed to crack down on illegal immigration flowing into the United States. "We must stop the flood of white people coming onto our land," Runningbear said to the cheering Native American crowds. "They take away our jobs, they take away our homes, and threaten to overwhelm our fragile economy and social services. Not to mention the fact that they often bring diseases like tuberculosis and AIDS, and spread gang violence into our nation through drug smuggling operations. This will no longer be tolerated by my administration."

...Yesterday, President Runningbear began talks with Apache and Sioux tribes in an effort to persuade other Native American nations to join the cause. His ultimate goal is to form a continuous border along all Native American reservations to seal them off from the United States.

According to polls, ninety-four percent of the Navajo public supports President Runningbear's new policy. "I agree with our president," said Nathan Proudeagle, a 45-year old truck driver. "I think there are entirely too many white people coming into this country. Let them go back where they came from. Just last week, I went to a 7-Eleven and the clerk was a white man who didn't speak a word of Navajo. If you're going to live in our land, you need to learn the language."

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therockalltimes.co.uk

An unsettling tale has escaped from the set of The Matrix: Reloaded. The extraordinary levels of secrecy surrounding the movie so people won't know special effects are used until they read a review of it, were even extended to members of the cast with some mind-bogglingly unconvincing pseudo-philosophical results, we can reveal.

According to high-level sources, the two-year filming schedule has been fraught with confusion and disinformation. "The cast thought they were all taking part in a live action adaptation of Fraggle Rock," we were told. "It was not until two weeks into the shoot that Keanu [Reeves] got a funny sense of deja vu."

Rumours had already begun to fly as to why the cuddly characters of the fondly remembered puppet show had been updated to wear black trench coats, dark shades and carry a range of powerful weaponry. But it was Lawrence Fishburne who finally blew the whistle. After taking a tablet for a mild stress-related headache, Lawrie came to a heart-stopping realisation that they were in reality making a new Matrix film, and Fraggle Rock: The Movie was nothing but an artificial construct designed to keep them all in a kind of submissive stupor while a race of machines fed off box office receipts and merchandising contracts.

Fishburne managed to communicate his suspicions to other cast members... Several vital clues were discovered but it was only when Reeves recalled that bullet-time filming techniques had never been employed in a previous Henson production that the horrible reality of the situation dawned — they were making a $300 million inferior sequel to a cult sci-fi film.

...The Matrix: Milking the Magic will be out sometime in the future. Fraggle Rock: The Movie is still in pre-production.

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scandaloussquirrel.com

NEW YORK – The NY Times, reeling from the Jayson Blair scandal, may have to prepare for an overwhelming influx of applicants for the terminated reporters position. Blair, 27, was dismissed by the paper after an investigation determined that nearly half the reporter’s articles had problems, including plagiarism and falsification.

...The effects of this situation may be more far reaching, as Bill Doty, editor of the vaunted 'brokennewz.com' satire website explains. “My fear is that the gifted writers of our staff, as well as other fine satire sites, such as 'scandaloussquirrel.com', will be killing each other for this position... In the past,” Doty continues, “there was always a separation, an invisible line, if you will, between satire and the major newspapers... Now we’ve got major newspapers cutting in on our turf. It’s just sad.”

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deadbrain.co.uk

Idiot groups are today celebrating the continued prominence of SARS in the popular media. Although the acronym stands for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, plucky idiots have fully grasped the opportunity to display their stupidity.

"It's been wonderful," announced idiot leader Dean Doyle. "We've been able to write 'SARs' as if we were pluralizing a SAR, whatever that is, and some of our members have even managed to nudge in the wholly ludicrous 'SAR's'. Brilliant."

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deadbrain.co.uk

Members of the International Satirists Guild staged a worldwide protest today in response to the nomination of US President George W. Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize by Norwegian MP Jan Simonsen. "This is outrageous!" Guild President Douglass Ramssmullett said via telephone from Oslo, Norway. "Simonsen is not a union satirist, and therefore not allowed under Norwegian law to make satirical remarks in a public forum. This is a direct assault on our Guild, a punishment for the withering fusillade of satire unleashed against the warmongers of Palau and Morocco."

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deadbrain.co.uk

Stung by coming first in the list of worst Britons, Tony Blair today announced a major shake-up to improve his image. Central to his new PR strategy is a proposal to move with his family into Buckingham Palace. "Let's face it", he said, "Downing Street is a bit off the beaten track."

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deadbrain.co.uk

White House [officials] today announced the imminence of "major changes" in the upper echelons of the British government "in order to give a better deal to the British people." Tony Blair is widely tipped to be removed from the post of Prime Minister... Although a popular choice with the State Department, Blair has failed to appease the more hawkish elements in the US administration with his "soft stance" on evil.

Speculation over his replacement is rife... A recent report issued by a think-tank linked to Vice-President Dick Cheney argues that recent history shows that a tougher stance is needed for the colony. According to the report, the installation of "strong-willed" Margaret Thatcher in 1979 allowed the UK to feel it had a greater degree of autonomy but crucially maintained Washington policy... Blair, appointed during the Clinton years, has been seen as more ambiguous in direction.

Key adviser Richard Perle has been a strong advocate of a tough stance. It is hinted that retired US general Jay Garner may go on to govern the UK... Leaked documents circulating at the highest levels of government have mentioned the title "Viceroy" alongside efforts to appeal to the UK's monarchical past.

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noapologiespress.com

In an effort to derail the all-powerful U.S. House of Representatives, which recently decreed its french fries would henceforth be known as "freedom fries," France's Parliament voted to officially change the nation's name to Freedom, Europe. "Honh, honh, honh!" declared Freedomian Prime Minister Jacques Chirac.